


curious time gave me no compasses, gave me no signs

by RaineyDay



Series: Febuwhump 2021 [2]
Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Time Travel, Angst, Emotional Hurt, Gen, Mental Breakdown, Sad The Director | Lucretia, The Director | Lucretia Angst, The Director | Lucretia-centric, Time Travel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-02
Updated: 2021-02-02
Packaged: 2021-03-14 04:20:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,174
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29164833
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RaineyDay/pseuds/RaineyDay
Summary: Febuwhump Day 2: "I can't take this anymore""Despite the fact that it had been twelve years since the last time, Lucretia still intimately recognized what she was feeling."Lucretia wakes up in a very familiar place and time that she absolutely should not be in.
Relationships: Barry Bluejeans & Magnus Burnsides & Davenport & Merle Highchurch & Lucretia & Lup & Taako, The Director | Lucretia & Everyone
Series: Febuwhump 2021 [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2138502
Comments: 6
Kudos: 23
Collections: febuwhump 2021





	curious time gave me no compasses, gave me no signs

**Author's Note:**

> This prompt also takes inspiration from one of the alternate prompts: time travel!! I'll be switching that one in for another day, but with a different premise, but I loved this one too much not to include it somewhere.
> 
> I just really like the line 'a necessary betrayal' and wanted to explore what exactly that meant. and what might Lucretia feel if she was put into another 'no other options' situation.
> 
> Title from Taylor Swift's "Invisible String."

Despite the fact that it had been twelve years since the last time, Lucretia still intimately recognized what she was feeling.

"No!" She screamed, horror dripping from her voice, but there was nothing that she could do to stop what was happening. There never had been.

She dropped to her knees and sobbed as soon as she rematerialized on the deck of the Starblaster.

She didn't look up for a long moment, just clutching herself around her middle and crying.

It wasn't fair. They'd won. The Hunger was gone so why- and how- she had been able to see every other member of the crew when this had happened, so how could the Starblaster have even gone anywhere-

She was dragged out of her thoughts by the sound of her family members speaking around her. She couldn't make out anything distinct, not immediately, and she didn't put much effort into trying, figuring it was mostly the same kind of reaction that she was having.

The thing that broke her of that assumption and dragged her mind back into the present was the hand that jerked her head up, until she was looking into Lup's eyes.

"Lucy, what's wrong?" Lup demanded, and that was the moment that Lucretia noticed that everyone else was gathered around her, reaching out as if offering comfort, expressions twisted into concern and confusion.

There was something wrong with this situation, but Lucretia couldn't make sense of what exactly it was. Nobody else was acting like this was the big deal that it was.

"What's wrong?" Lucretia burst, almost laughing, though it sounded halfway to a sob. "I can’t do this again. I can't take this anymore. I can't."

She started shaking her head as she spoke, fresh tears springing to her eyes, and Lup pulled her into a crushing hug.

"Shh," Lup soothed, rubbing gently at Lucretia's back. "I know, babe. It's exhausting. But we can do this. We've got a plan, remember? We just gotta find an inhabited world and we can stop running finally."

What. What the _hell_ was going on?

" _No!_ " Lucretia sobbed louder, as no one else reacted to the comment in a way that indicated that they understood how out of place it was.

“Babe, babe, look at me,” Lup insisted, tilting Lucretia’s head up gently but firmly until they were looking into each other’s eyes. “I know you don’t like this plan. I gotta admit that I don’t love it either. But if we don’t do something, the Hunger will never stop. You know that. The needs of the many, honey. It’s going to be okay.”

“You don’t understand!” Lucretia shrieked.

This was the worst imaginable fate. She had thought there was no such thing as hell but maybe she had been wrong.

They didn’t know. These were not the versions of her family that she knew. The thought ached in her chest. She’d lost them- again. They’d said they’d all be together forever now, but they’d been wrong.

Lup thought she understood but she didn’t. None of them did. They didn’t know what had- was going to?- happened. They’d _forgotten_.

Her sobs turned to hysterical laughter at the thought. Another piece of evidence in the ‘hell’ column. This was karma- revenge. This was exactly what she deserved.

She felt a wash of magic over her and recognized it as Calm Emotions. Merle. She resisted it, certain that this place wouldn’t allow her any peace. If she let the spell affect her, something horrible would happen, she just knew it.

Her family was clamoring in alarm all around her, reaching for her and pleading with her and trying so hard to comfort her but she was too far gone for that.

Another spell. She tried resisting but she couldn’t. She felt her mind slipping into unconsciousness and she started to weep again as the spell took hold and then she was asleep and knew nothing.

-

She woke hours later in a daze. Half the crew were gathered at the end of her bed, even though their rooms on the ship were tiny and therefore they must be feeling rather cramped.

"Mornin' Luce," Taako greeted, but she could hear the strain in his voice. He was worried. And no wonder, after the display she'd pulled on the deck.

She ought to say something to them, to reassure them. A lie or the truth, it didn't matter as long as she said _something._ But she didn't. She just stared at all of them, too listless to do much of anything.

When Taako's words garnered no response at all, Lup came and crouched down next to Lucretia's face, brushing her hair back gently.

"How you doing, babe?" she asked, voice soft as she'd ever heard it.

Lucretia managed a shrug for that, but not much else.

The immediate horror had passed, leaving her with only a deep sense of dread and hopelessness. She knew what was coming, and she didn't know what to do about it.

She remembered how Taako's modifications to her barrier plan had worked, in the end, but so much of that success had come from horrible circumstances. John had no longer been in control of the Hunger. They’d starved it out and weakened it. They’d had help from natives to Faerun that they now didn’t know, and intervention on behalf of gods who were suddenly unfamiliar with them.

It wouldn’t work the same way if they tried to do it now, and there was no way to ensure their safety or success.

And if they failed- then what? They’d have to leave Faerun? A place that was now home to her, that she knew could be home for the rest of them?

And that was assuming she could even convince the rest of the crew to listen to her. But they were convinced that the relics plan was their best option, and they probably wouldn’t want to hear her bring up her barrier plan again, even with modifications.

So what could she do?

She couldn’t participate in the relics plan again. She wasn’t strong enough for that. It had killed her spirit the first time around, and she hadn’t thought of Faerun as home then. And she hadn’t _known_ how deeply it would break the spirits of her family members, either, only guessed.

Now she knew.

She’d try to talk to them about her barrier plan, but they’d never liked it in the beginning (as if she _had_ ), and she certainly hadn’t bought herself any trust in her mental facilities by breaking down so severely upon her arrival.

Maybe if they weren’t on Faerun yet, she’d have a better chance. There had been whole cycles between making the plan and implementing it.

But Lucretia could feel that they were already here. The glimpses she’d seen of the world during her break down were familiar enough, as were the sights she now saw out of her bedroom window.

Magnus was talking to her now. She couldn’t hear him.

The thought of wiping their memories again was repulsive. It had hurt so badly when she had seen it as the only option, and now she knew what would happen if she did.

So she couldn’t do that either.

But that left her with nothing.

She had learned that she shouldn’t make plans without her family’s input, but right now all her family had was outdated info.

She would have to tell them. Admit that she wasn’t their version of Lucretia. That their version was- gone, maybe, and replaced by this broken one.

She would have to explain how she hurt them. How they should be glad that version of her was no longer around, because now they didn’t have to live with what she would have done to them.

It had taken so much time and pain for her family to forgive her the first time and now she had to do it _again_. And it might be easier, because they hadn’t felt those pains, but it still wouldn’t be easy by any means.

“Give her some space,” she heard Davenport say, and, oh. Now the entire rest of the crew had arrived in her room. “Let her breathe.”

“I’m okay,” she finally managed to say. She’d intended to sit up as she said it, but couldn’t quite motivate herself to actually manage it. This was probably good enough.

She heard a surprised snort of laughter. Barry’s, she recognized, even if she wasn’t looking at him anymore.

“Sorry, Lucretia. I’m not- that is- you’re really not,” Barry said, voice apologetic but firm.

“Yeah,” Lucretia agreed, nodding slightly, “you’re right.”

“Well, now I’m really worried,” Taako drawled. “Who are you and what have you done with our Lucy?”

Lucretia knew that he was joking, but she still felt stricken by the words.

Lup punched Taako in the shoulder.

“Shut up, dingus! You’re making her cry!”

Lucretia realized that Lup was right, as she felt a tear drop off her face and hit the blankets under her.

“Cap’n’s right. We should give her space,” Taako said, standing, quickly brushing one hand over the top of her head as he walked past in a comforting gesture. “I’m gonna make some grilled cheese if anyone wants some.”

If _she_ wanted some, is what he meant. That was her favorite comfort food. It was for her. This version of Taako still loved her without reservation, because she hadn’t hurt him the way she was going to. He hadn’t felt her ‘necessary betrayal.’

Oh.

What had been meant by that phrasing? That _she_ had felt it necessary? Or that it had been part of Istus’ plans?

Because that thought brought up a separate fear.

How would Istus feel about anything Lucretia did differently this time? Her gig was controlling fate and time, and she didn’t like people sneaking a glance ahead and subverting her goals.

If she had always planned around Lucretia wiping her friends’ memories, then would she ruin everything by not doing it?

But she couldn’t. She couldn’t do that to them _again_. Once was a deep betrayal, twice would be unforgivable. Not to mention, it would drive her insane. It had broken her heart the first time. She couldn’t handle doing it again.

Even if- even if it _had_ turned out alright in the end. Even if she did at least know that her family would survive and that they would win that way. Even if she didn’t know any other way to keep them relatively safe.

She still- she just _couldn’t_.

The rest of the crew had filed out of her room after Taako now, but they had left the door open. She could hear them talking amongst themselves, smell the food cooking.

No. This couldn’t be what she was expected to do. She knew it. From everything the boys had said, Istus wasn’t that cruel as to ask this of her.

Which still left her at a loss for what she _was_ meant to do. She didn’t even know how she’d gotten here. Maybe she was supposed to figure out how to get back to her own time.

She didn’t have the direct connection to the goddess that her boys did, but she could still pray to her- to ask her for guidance.

_Please. I don’t know what you want me to do. I don’t know how much you even know about what’s happening right now. But I don’t want to hurt anyone. Please, help me._

Lucretia didn’t get any obvious response, and she wasn’t sure that she should have been expecting one anyway.

But then Taako was bringing her the food he’d made, and Lup was helping, bringing a glass of water and a fold up table to put her plate on. And Captain Davenport and Merle were stopping by to check on her. Magnus had made her a little card reading ‘get well soon,’ and then, as the day was drawing to a close, Barry stepped in, holding up a golden colored journal that Lucretia had never seen before.

“Is this yours, Lucy?” Barry asked. “I know that’s kind of a silly question, but I don’t remember seeing you with it before.”

He set the journal down by her bedside without waiting for an answer.

“I gotta go. Help Lup and Cap’n figure out what this plane is like. Talk to you soon, okay? Feel better.”

And he left before Lucretia could get herself together enough to tell him that it wasn’t her journal.

She reached down for it, beside her bed, flipping it open to the first page to see if she could figure out who it actually belonged to. She didn’t remember seeing anyone else with it either, which was strange.

But when she opened it, the first page was blank, until the words ‘Journal of Farspeech (improved)’ appeared in shimmery script.

And below that, in a variety of handwriting styles, all of which she recognized, encouragements appeared.

“We’re going to fix this.”

“You got this, Luce.”

“You’re not alone this time.”

**Author's Note:**

> i am lowkey incapable of not leaving a bit of hope at the end, so yeah. She can communicate with her family at least! They'll fix this!! I'm just not writing that part because I don't have time!!


End file.
